Category Archives: Weblogs

365 days out of water

I’ve finally made it to a whole year out of water. That’s 365* days of living with The Special One, 365 days of working in the United States, and 365 days of thinking “blimey, what just happened to me?!”

So, other than 365 days, what other 365s has the last year held for me?

365 times that I’ve wanted to have an everything bagel for breakfast. I have only given in on 207 of those occasions.

365 pushes and shoves against me on the subway. That’s approximately 1.83 shoves per journey.

365 times when I’ve been forced to ponder why the UK doesn’t have an all-encompassing commitment to the hot dog too.

365 inadvertent steps into dubious standing water.

365 wrong turns by taxi drivers with only a passing knowledge of the streets of the city.

365 sightings of the Empire State Building which have prompted an internal response of “crikey, that’s the Empire State Building.”

365 times I’ve been grateful for a summer that lasts more than 365 minutes.

365 passers-by who have stared at me for not wearing a coat in March.

365 occasions on which I’ve cursed the fact that you have to pay a fee to use an ATM that’s not one of your own bank’s. As well as a fee to your own bank for the privilege.

365 minutes in total sat listening to assorted weirdoes espouse their sanctimonious claptrap on the subway.

365 times I’ve struggled to remember which one’s a nickel and which one’s a dime.

365 times I’ve emerged from a subway station and stood on the street corner for ten minutes trying to work out whether I’m facing north or south.

365 people who’ve attempted to imitate my English accent with a passable impression of Dick van Dyke.

365 occasions on which I’ve used a swear word in the workplace (and 364 on which I’ve been rebuked for it).

365 moments when I’ve thought “I’m sure I’ve seen this in a movie.”

365 times that I’ve had to apologisze for alleged anti-American sentiments.

Thanks for keeping me company over the last year, and to all those who have tipped off friends, colleagues and readers about the blog. I’m 365 times more grateful than I can ever tell you.

* If anybody even thinks about saying it’s a leap year and that I’ve been out of water for 366 days, there’s going to be trouble.

Hands across America – update

Seems that my ability to unite America under one happy banner is perhaps more limited than I initially thought. After my impassioned plea to current readers to implore friends and family in the fourteen states that have steadfastly refused to click onto A Brit Out Of Water, only two more states have fallen.

So thank you to the poor unsuspecting souls who stopped by from Nebraska and Hawaii, and to whoever pointed them in this direction. And just to remind you, the current refuseniks are:

Alaska
Delaware
Idaho
Louisiana
North Dakota
Maine
Mississippi
Oregon
Rhode Island
South Dakota
West Virginia
Wyoming

Anybody want to place a bet on which will be the last state to take the plunge?

Hands across America

As I’ve said before, some people think that this blog is deliberately designed to be anti-American. In reality though, A Brit Out Of Water is supposed be an affectionate love note to my adopted home, gently teasing America in the same way that most kids used to pull the hair of the classmate they thought was prettiest at school. Admittedly America is generally the unlovable bully in the playgroundschoolyard, but I think you get the point.

Anyway, the truth is that this blog is read by many more American residents than dwellers from any other country – at least according to Google Analytics, which I was pondering at length tonight. Infact, well over 50% of readers have come from this side of the pond, in the six months that I’ve now been writing.

That said, some states just stubbornly refuse to look at the blog. Fourteen of the blasted things, if you must know. And frankly, I’ve had enough of it. Sure, I’m happy that New Yorkers, Californians and Texans indulge my egoread my writing on a regular basis, but I see no reason why Dakotans or, erm, Wyominginians shouldn’t be similarly blightedblessed.

So, this is a rallying cry to readers – help me complete my full set of American states, by sending a Brit Out Of Water link to anyall friends that you have in the states below, persuading them to click onto the site. I can’t offer muchany reward – I might finally get around to completing the ‘About’ page, although I wouldn’t bank on it – but you will have the self-satisfaction of knowing that you helped a Brit Out Of Water in need.

The missing states:

Alaska
Delaware
Hawaii
Idaho
Louisiana
North Dakota
Maine
Mississippi
Nebraska
Oregon
Rhode Island
South Dakota
West Virginia
Wyoming

And while we’re about it, Utah, Nevada, Oklahoma and New Hampshire have only managed one hit each (almost certainly a rogue Googler looking for information on Viapren strips), so maybe reach out to them too?

At a time when America needs unity more than ever, this could be the rallying cry that the country so desperately requires – a cause to get behind, in order to bring greatness again to this proud nation. It is certainly not a thinly veiled attempt to get a full set of US states on a blog traffic report for no apparent reason. Perish the thought.

America, your country needs you. Don’t let it down.

PS If you’re arriving at this post from one of the above mentioned states, do leave a comment with your own blog address on…I’d love to see what I’ve been missing these last six months.

A done deal

Finally I think the new site’s in order, and everything seems to be working. I have to confess that I didn’t design it myself though – it’s difficult enough for me to write the thing, let alone turn my hand to Adobe Creative Suite. So huge thanks are due to E Webscapes and in particular Leanne who put up with all my tweaks and changes with good humour.

I haven’t yet reinstituted the blogroll, so if your site was on the old site and you’d like to be on the new site – or if you’re a regular reader and you want to be in my links, then all you have to do is ask.

New Year, new look

Ten days into the New Year, and it’s a new look for A Brit Out Of Water. There’s still a few teething problems which will be ironed out over the next day or so, but have a look round and make yourselves at home. There’ll be a tea trolley coming round shortly – help yourself to Bourbon biscuits.

Two days until the Bloggies nominations close, I hear…

The big 100

I’ve just noticed that the last post was the 100th Brit Out Of Water entry. I’ve now spent 116 days out of water, and have already notched up a century of cultural differences between my original and adopted home.

Thank you to everybody for their kind comments so far, and feel free to leave your own comments – kind or otherwise. And as ever, please do pass on the link to the site to anyone you think might be strangely interested in the exploits of a man who today still had to ask for a tuna sandwich six times before he finally made the person behind the counter understand what he was talking about. Even then I ended up with a chicken salad baguette. Happy days.