Move to America, never watch a movie again

When The Special One first started waxing lyrical about “a British ending”, I have to confess that I started locking up the knives at night, and surreptitiously switched drinks with her whenever she kindly poured me a glass of wine. After all, you can’t be too careful when you’re married to a woman who can paralyse innocent passing squirrels with just one withering look.

As it turned out, she was simply talking about the narrative style of British film producers and directors. Now, clearly the British movie industry is a body that these days has as much influence as the French World Cup 2010 Victory Parade committee. But once upon a time, the British made movies that captivated the world, from Brief Encounter to Trainspotting. It’s almost enough to make people forgive us for inadvertently foisting Jason Statham on the world.

While The Special One loves a British actor as much as the next man (and in this case, the man next to her just so happens to be Rupert Everett), it’s actually the endings of British movies that completely enraptures her. Not the rolling of the credits, or the ‘hilarious’ bloopers of Hugh Grant forgetting the same line 27 times, I hasten to add. Instead, it’s the willingness of the British to finish a movie or even a TV show with an ambiguous close.

Put simply, when it comes to cinematic works, it seems as if Americans want to have all their t’s crossed and their i’s dotted. So when, for instance, you force one of them to sit down and watch the tour de force that is The Italian Job (the original, that is, not that pathetic Mark Wahlberg vehicle), you can expect a certain amount of dismay and a volley of questions when Michael Caine announces that he’s got an idea for preventing the gold from toppling down the mountain face from the precariously positioned bus.

Similarly, the Life On Mars TV show (the British version, not the godawful American retread) ended with you not exactly knowing what had happened to Sam Tyler, driving its loyal viewers into apoplexy (until they watched the follow up Ashes To Ashes, at least).

That’s not to say that American movies don’t occasionally employ the same technique. Anyone who has watched Lost In Translation – or even Lost – will testify to that. But The Special One insists that they’re just being influenced by the British, and if filmmakers were to do it on a regular basis, there would be an uprising on the streets.

Maybe Americans have been born with 17% less imagination than the people of other nations, and that they have to lend less thought to certain things – like movie endings and toiletrestroom design – in order to ensure that they can still invent things that change the world. You know, like the gun and the nuclear bomb.

Or maybe it’s just that Americans have grown used to watching movie trailers that cover every storyline, plot development and epochal moment within a 60 second burst?

I swear that my film watching has reduced by around 90% since I moved to the States. A chunk of that is understandable – I’ve become a husband and father, and so I’ve got less freetime to go to the cinematheater to see Iron Man 2 simply for the purpose of perving over Scarlett Johanssen.

But with movies on demand on cable, you’re never that far from watching a classic Fellini, Cassavetes or Kurosawa. Or more likely, the intellectual powerhouse flicks like Hot Tub Time Machine, Couples Retreat or Tropic Thunder. The shame is that after watching the trailer in order to help resolve the dispute about whether to view the new Jackie Chan or the latest Amy Adams schlockfest (The Special One wanted Jackie, just for the avoidance of doubt), you suddenly realise that you’ve essentially already seen the whole of both movies. Before you know it, you’re being forced into the loving arms of Two & A Half Men re-runs.

It’s my guess that no plot twist is too sacred to be withheld from an American movie trailer. Half way through the preview for The Sixth Sense, the narrator coughs surreptitiously and mutters under his breath “Bruce Willis is dead.” Nicole Kidman and her kids wear sheets over their heads and rush around shouting “We’re ghosts, you know!” in the trailer for The Others. And the shots of Norman Bates being made up to look like a woman in the trailer for Psycho were just unnecessary if you ask me.

Oh, and by the way, every purchase of Seven comes with a tiny box featuring a perfect scale reproduction of Gwyneth Paltrow’s head. We use ours as a toy for the cat.

7 thoughts on “Move to America, never watch a movie again

  1. lisa

    LMAO: “And the shots of Norman Bates being made up to look like a woman in the trailer for Psycho were just unnecessary if you ask me.”

  2. Paul

    Spot on, Dylan. I can’t help feeling that this is all part of the same “instant gratification” syndrome that pervades American society. Wadda we want? Loose ends tied. When do we want it? NOW!

  3. NFAH

    What, do the Brits have no sense of escapism? I like my dreams to end happily, and my movies too. If I want intellectual stimulation, I’ll get a book out.

  4. Expat Mum

    Sometimes so much of a movie is given away in the trailers that I find myself struggling to remember whether I’ve seen it or not. And likewise, even when I do have time to watch something these days (three kids, one mutt = no time), there’s rarely anything that really grabs me. I did watch the Ghost Writer on the plane on Tuesday. Now there’s an ending that leaves your imagination working overtime.

  5. Beancounter

    You’re not missing much with Iron Man 2, Scarlett Johanssen aside. One of METCOM was so disgruntled at the lack of AC/DC songs (15 on the soundtrack, 2 in the film) that he fell asleep. You can probably guess which one!


  6. Jean at The Delightful Repast

    When we were first married, I had to ease my husband into British movies and television shows (he had trouble with the accents). Now he prefers them and is always saying how much better British productions and actors are. And Expat Mum’s comment is too true — so much is given away in trailers, I often think I’ve seen a movie when I haven’t!

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