A full and frank apology to the USA

I would like to issue a full and unreserved apology to the United States of America. In a previous post, I had revealed that an American foodstuff (albeit Italian-American) had made a personal attack on me, and left me with a cold sore-like legacy.

By relating such a story, I was suggesting that foods from America – and only foods from America – were highly volatile, dangerous and unpredictable, and should be trusted as much as, say, a former high-level Lehman Brothers executive with a shifty smile.

I now fully accept that my intimation was wrong, and that food products from any part of the world can cause pain and a herpes simplex-type look. That such a realisation can be caused by that great bastion of Britishness – the humble roast potato – is a cause of intense personal anguish to me.

I appreciate that there are some people who would try to maintain that I am using maverick comestibles as a scapegoat for a persistent cold sore problem. This is both unfair and actionable, and I will not hesitate to pursue those rumourmongerers to the full extent of the law.

Note that while the physical manifestations of these unprovoked attacks will fade in time, the emotion scars will live with me for a lifetime.

My family and I would appreciate your privacy and understanding during these difficult times.

4 thoughts on “A full and frank apology to the USA

  1. Brooklyn


    I’m sure Dylan will find a bit of plastic covering an incinerated patch on his lip most comfortable.

    My guess is that this product came to the attention of a incisive marketer after learing of its development in the Soviet Union for application to people who had been forced to consume freshly steamed pierogi because they did not see the benefit of making a full confession in the Peoples’ Court in the interests of state security and efficiency.

  2. Expat Mum

    As my gran would say “Your eyes are obviously bigger than your belly” which I think fits here but I can never be quite sure. In plain English, would you let it cool down fer cryin’ out loud.

  3. Alasdair

    A cold sore-like legacy, you aver …

    I wonder how one might say that in the Zostrian language ?

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