Study: Americans are bigger than Brits in the bedroom department

When I moved to the UK, most of my furniture ended up either in a couple of houses in Cambridge, or in a big yellow skipdumpster outside my house. Given that The Special One was left in charge of bossing around the movers and deciding what did and didn’t survive the cull from my erstwhile bachelor pad, it’s perhaps not surprising that there’s little left from my days as a man gadding about London Town.

The one thing that did make the trip however is my pride and joy of a bed. As the first bed I’d ever bought, I spent many hours painstakingly, erm, lazing in a horizontal manner on dozens of options to ensure that I got the most comfortable sleeping environment for my money. And while I was prepared to leave the UK behind having met The Special One, there was no way that there was going to be a parting of the ways with my beloved bed.

The problem is that while in Britain my bed would be considered a palatial kingsize theatreer of snoozing delight, in the United States it’s suddenly like something that you’d put in a dolls house. There is no doubt in my mind that Richey Manic, Jimmy Hoffa, Lord Lucan and Shergar are not missing, but instead they climbed into an American bed somewhere and still haven’t managed to find their way out. Not necessarily together, although I wouldn’t rule anything out.

Every time I insist to The Special One that my bed is a king, the derisive snort I receive resembles the kind of noise I occasionally hear when cruise ships are leaving harbour at the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge. Apparently there is such a thing as a California king, which is conceivably large enough to play a couple of sets of volleyball on. A wife could be cheating on her husband while he slept in the same bed, and the husband would be none the wiser. By comparison, my British kingsize is practically an American single.

None of this would be a problem, of course, if it wasn’t for The Special One. By day, she’s a perfectly normal woman. But when she’s in the deepest of sleeps, she twitches like a retired breakdancer who just can’t let go of former glories. Occasionally I have to wake her, just to make sure that she’s not having a stroke. At the same time, when she’s dreaming, she regularly issues forth grunts and groans as if knocking a vicious forehand volley across the net at Wimbledon. It’s like going to bed with Monica Seles and the Rocksteady Crew at the same time. And to be fair, if we were in a Californian king, we’d probably have room for all of them.

Still, given the economic climate, we’re sticking with what we’ve got for the moment and I’ll put aside my feelings of inferiority. After all, they say that size doesn’t matter in the bedroom, right?

9 thoughts on “Study: Americans are bigger than Brits in the bedroom department

  1. carrie

    You totally know how to pull your readers in with those post titles 🙂

    This post really cracked me up, your descriptions are so detailed and hilarious at the same time.

    I would probably die without my American king size bed. And yes, it’s only me in it but I don’t care, I like being able to spread out like a star when I sleep, limbs reaching for each corner of the HUGE mattress…so there.

    p.s. I’m wondering where Karen sleeps….says she hasn’t had a bed in almost 5 years??

  2. ExpatKat

    Our bed is a British King size too. The only sheets I can get to fit it over here are American Queen size! Wouldn’t be without it though and it does make our American bedroom look very spacious!

  3. Apsidal

    It’s clear from this site that a US Queen is , as ExpatKat suggests, the equivalent of a UK King. The biggest different in comparing the respective sizes is not so much the width as the length. I haven’t noticed that US people are that much taller, so I’m left thinking that the difference is that they lie straight out in bed. We put-upon Brits invariably tend to adopt the foetal position. Think about it: all our differences may come down to this one small fact.

  4. Almost American

    We have an American Queen size bed, and when we got a duvet in the UK we made sure to get whatever the largest possible size available was (super King?) – and the American King size duvet covers from the Company Store are STILL too big!

  5. Expat Mum

    The Ball & Chain is 6’4″, and what’s more, because of his allegedly bony knees, has to put some padding between them – in the form of most of the sheets on the bed. If we didn’t have a humungous king size bed, we’d be divorced by now. The reliability of the frame however, is the subject of an up-coming post.

  6. Esther

    I remember the days when I would share a SINGLE bed with someone at college!!! Now our bed is so huge (California King) that sometimes I lose my husband.

  7. Karen

    Carrie, I sleep on the floor 🙂 On sleeping mats. We did have a huge double inflatable bed, but our cat burst it..

    I don’t mind it though.

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