All is not what it seems

As you’ll see from the counter over on the right, I’ve now been a Brit Out Of Water for 400 days. During that time, I’ve penned a little under 250 posts. Which means, inevitably, that there have been just over 150 days when I haven’t posted at all. Now, on most of those days I was probably, you know, having a life. But on some of the others, if I was being truly honest, I probably just couldn’t think of something to blog about.

The problem is, of course, that the more you’re away from your home, the more you get used to your adopted city. Fortunately, New York is still strange enough to keep me in stories for at least another 400 days, but I do have to pay even closer attention these days just to make sure that I don’t miss any of the ridiculousness of it all.

Caring as dearly as I do about you, my loyal reader, I now find myself walking around the city with my eyes darting everywhere just in case I can see the start of a potential blog posting kicking off in my vicinity. Sometimes I’ve changed my route to work, having witnessed something unusual going on in the distance. Sure, it generally turns out to be a New Yorker walking more than six blocks without using a form of motorised transport, but at least I’m trying.

Tonight while heading home from work, I was standing on the N train back into the murky depths of Brooklyn, standing all the way from Union Square. While I clung on to a metal pole for grim death as the train attempted to throw me around like a pathetic rag doll, an elfin young lady sat down serenely on the chair next to me.

Serene, that is, but for the fact that she spent the next few stops consuming a chocolate brownie with the eagerness and grim determination of someone who hadn’t seen food for, say, three weeks.

It took her so long to eat the aforementioned brownie simply because it appeared to have fallen apart in the paper wrapper in which it was encased. Duly, Miss Elfin dipped her fingers into the bag with metronomic regularity, scooping up crumbs and plunging them into her ever chomping mouth. After about ten minutes, she extracted the paper wrapper from the bag in which it was contained, turned into a makeshift chute, and shovelled the last remaining crumbs down her gullet. And with that complete, she did the same with the outer paper bag, just in case there were a few molecules that she’d missed.

Throughout the whole thing, I could feel myself getting progressively – and inexplicably – more irate about the whole thing. Maybe it was the fact that she was an astonishingly noisy eater, or maybe it was because it was taking her forever to eat something that would have lasted perhaps 3.72 seconds in my custody. But as my anger rose, I was at least calmed by the fact that I would be able to pen a blog about eating on the tube, turning this anonymous character into an example of all that is bad about self-involved commuters.

Next thing I know, the man sat a few seats down from her quietly reading his John Grisham novel falls asleep (to be fair, his books can be a bit samey) and his bookmark drops to the floor. Miss Elfin, her chocolate brownie now firmly a thing of the past, quickly steps up, bends down, picks up the fallen bookmark, and quietly places it back into the book without even waking the man from his slumbers.

Hardly the actions of a superhero, but a happy ending nonetheless, and a good example of why you shouldn’t judge a book by its flour-and-chocolate based confection eating cover. But I was gutted. After all, there was my bitter posting ripped from my grasp. Much more of this good citizenry, and I won’t have a blog to speak of.

Come on New York, pull your act together. Enough of this ‘being nice’ – you’ve got a reputation to keep up, you know.

6 thoughts on “All is not what it seems

  1. That Girl39

    You see I started out here picturing that girl that Joey dates in Friends who eats like a squirrel, making nibbling noises and noisily licking her fingers…but she ends up being a serene Uma Thurman type character from The Truth About Cats And Dogs! See what a good blog post can do in terms of mental imagery? Thanks for visiting my rant-fest by the way!

  2. Expat Mum

    Noisy eaters. Should be all lined up against a wall and… . Well, let’s not go there. Reminds me though, I have nothing. Nothing. For my next post.

  3. Lolabloom

    HA, I laughed out loud at this one. I can’t ever get enough of your stories and explanations, they really bring it to life.

    I haven’t had the pleasure of a subway ride in oh, about 7 years but wish I did, total blog topic candy.

  4. Siobhan

    Being in Montana where the population is 6 people/sq. mile, I have to live my metropolis-loving life through you vicariously.

    Six. Can you believe it? There are 646 people/sq. mile in the UK. Great story, although I have to say, I hope she picked up his bookmark with her non-glutenous fingers. I also can’t stand gum smackers. I am sure you’re the same way.

  5. Maureen

    I could picture the whole (messy) scene and I’m glad you ended it with the story of her good deed. Her noisy and messy eating may have been annoying but she had a heart. Lovely.

  6. Pingback: A Brit Out Of Water » Blog Archive » Just one dollar can save a New Yorker

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