I’ll never call them chips, OK?

For whatever reason, I’ve never been much of a chocolate fan. Sure, if I’m really hungry, from time to time I’ll wolf down a Snickers or a Cadbury’s Fruit & Nut bar, but on the whole chocolate really doesn’t do it for me. It’s a good thing really, given that the vast majority of chocolate in this country tastes like brown wax.

So while all my friends were eagerly gobbling sweetscandy, it was always a savoury snack product that I craved. Because when it comes down to it, you just can’t beat crisps.

I’ve always loved crisps, and I probably always will. From plain ordinary ‘ready salted’ to my all-time favourite cheese’n’onion, nothing beats a bag of those thin slivers of deep fried potato to stave off the pangs of hunger. When I was a child, I used to beg my mummom to let me have a cheese’n’onion crisp sandwich – two slices of buttered and not-very-good-for-you white bread, with a whole bag of salty crisps crushed inbetween. Just the thought of it is making my mouth water, while at the same time causing my extensive readership of highly-qualified cholesterol experts to collapse in a stress-induced heap.

My love affair with crisps has been a constant in my life, from eating hedgehog flavour crisps in North Wales as a kid through to an oregano flavoured variety in Greece earlier this year. But now all that has come to a terrifying standstill, thanks to my move to the USA.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if there’s a dearth of deep fried snack products in this country. Far from it. And it’s not that I now have to learn to call them chips rather than crisps. The problem is just that America has literally no imagination when it comes to flavouring its crisps.

Back in the UK, Walkers – the leading brand of crisps in the country - offer crisps in varieties as varied as Smoky Bacon, Prawn Cocktail, Marmite, Lamb & Mint, Pickled Onion and Heinz Tomato Ketchup. When The Special One discovered that you can buy Steak & Onion crisps, I think it confirmed all her worst beliefs about British food which no amount of Michelin-starred meals or fish’n’chip suppers can dispel.

Here in the States, you’re basically looking at a choice between lightly salted, sour cream & onion or barbecue flavours. And that’s it. Sure, brands such as Kettle Chips are attempting to expand the flavour range, but you’ve got more chance of finding Lindsay Lohan sober than you have of locating a packet of them. Corn chips come in a few more flavours, but the corn chip has always been the poor man’s crisp, and no amount of chilli, lime and guacamole chips will ever convince me otherwise.

So for the first time in my life, I’m on a self-imposed snack products ban, which is probably no bad thing after the excesses of Christmas. Well, unless anybody’s got a bag of white cheddar flavour popcorn, that is? Who needs crisps when you can get your hands on that stuff.

Incidentally for anybody from the UK, Walkers are currently inviting suggestions for new crisp flavours. The current top five ideas are bacon & egg, blue cheese, escargot, pigeon & garlic, and tea & biscuits. Blue cheese sounds like a hit to me, but I’ve got to draw the line at tea and biscuits. Even if it is in a white bread sandwich.

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