I don’t know where they’re coming from, but if I ever find them, I swear I will bring down havoc on them and their families. No, I’m not referring to Liverpool FC supporters (I know where they come from, after all), but mosquitoes, which are currently using my body as a testing ground for an all-out attack on mankind.
Ever since I’ve been coming to the United States, I’ve been a preferred stomping ground for the Culicidae family of insects. My first trip across the Atlantic was back in 1994, to work as a counsellor at a summer camp in Connecticut. With the camp being based in a relatively damp wooded area, mosquitoes treated the area as a playground packed full of fresh meat. But during the first week, I remained resolutely bite-free, while all around me saw the tell-tale red bumps slowly emerge over their legs and arms.
I boasted about my immunity to anyone who would listen, of course. Until I got bitten one evening as I sat near the bunk I had responsibility for. And then the dream of an itch-free summer was over, and in a very big way. It was as if the mosquitoes had called a status meeting regarding their assault on the camp, and realised that they’d made a glaring error.
Chief Mosquito: We’re on day nine of the campaign, troops, and I’m thrilled with the level of performance we’ve achieved to date. Our enemy is powerless to resist our advances, and their pathetic attempts to use citronella bombings have been met with bravery and courage. Squadron Leader Bassett, can you confirm that we have now scored a direct hit on every single person in the area
Squadron Leader Bassett: Every single one, sir.
CM: Even the tall awkward looking Brit with the cherry red Doc Martens and the stupid hair?
SLB: Erm.
CM: Get out there NOW – all of you. And don’t come back without his blood.
And get out there they did. By the end of the week, my body made me look like a chicken pox victim, and the itching was unbearable. And since that day, I’ve been on the Most Wanted list for every mosquito in the country, my poster presumably appearing in every pupa from here to California. I could be in a hermetically-sealed capsule, and yet still one of the blood-sucking little bastards will find their way in to feast on me.
Since I’ve moved to the US full-time, the nightly mosquito carnival has moved to Brooklyn. And just so that the pesky creatures keep things interesting for themselves, they’ve been finding whole new areas of my body to attack. Last week I woke up with five – count ‘em, five – bites on the side of my hand. The pain was indescribable, to the point where I even dreamed that my body was covered from head to toe in leprosy-esque boils. My forearms remain a favourite zone, but the forehead is proving a satisfying alternative if it’s standing room-only elsewhere.
The blasted bugs haven’t actually bothered me for a few days, but I can only assume that was because they were taking advantage of the Labour Day holiday, as today they are back with a renewed commitment to their shadowy arts. I’ve got one bite on my arm, another on my face, and one for good measure just above the knee – and that’s even before I go to bed, when the biting festivities really begin.
Anybody got any good prevention tips? Short of covering the apartment in one giant net, that is…
4:58 am
Hey there,
don’t know what your thoughts on Marmite are, but eating (not smearing) a little marmite everyday is meant to keep the pesky critters away – something about them not liking the B vitamins.. Failing that one of those plug in mozzie repellants works well…
And if it helps at all, mucho sympathies for the itchiness.
Take care
J
PS am carefully ignoring the comment and Liverpool supporters and their families…
5:14 pm
close your windows
luv Benny
7:18 am
Try this:
http://www.gadgetsuk.com/Electric-fly-swatter-p-16680.html
Daniel calls it “fly tennis” appropriately enough, but it works a treat on mozzies too
3:11 pm
For the itch I use a dab of white toothpaste on the itchiest ones, applied before bed. Just make sure to let it dry a bit before you go to sleep, or you’ll rub minty freshness into your sheets.
Also, a suntan. When your skin’s a bit tougher you’re less appealing to the little shits.
(I too am afflicted. My favorite example of mosquito favoritism: I went camping in Yugoslavia when I was a kid, and I was the only one in the group of 7 to be attacked. At one point I decided to count all the ones I could identify, and came up with around 50 separate bites; they were between my toes and IN my ears, everywhere. Everyone else, nothing.)